Went out with the guys and realise how much I have been bottling up inside. Who can understand how I feel? The only people that I can be grateful too are my family and a few close friends. But like I saw, at the end of the day, I need to settle my emotional side myself. There’s no one there to help me. Am I able to break the norm? I want to see myself in another dimension, where people can’t see and that I only believe in myself.

Everything that I have been through for the past months, are really unimaginable. I have never had so many incidents in a short half a year. Even stopping work and to move on to pursue my dreams were not taking me a toll as compared to the past months. I am sad that I have to go through them, but at the same time, I am glad that it allows me to grow mature and to look at things differently.

All I ask for is a simple life now. I do not want any more bad experiences or dramas in my life anymore. I guess I have also look at life as an experience and told myself that life is all about learning. But, after so many years, I think I have had too much and I am almost unable to stand up anymore. I no longer know or how to find a simple life. Am I wrong to ask for such a life in the past? I have lost the sense of living on earth. Excuse me, but I am not ending my life. I just felt that I do not understand what the reason is for us human beings to be born on earth and to go through all these hardships. What is it that we are looking for? It is definitely nothing physical that we are looking for. It is definitely something knowledgeable or spiritual. Me saying the word spiritual? Haha…

I know it is stupid to sulk over my past and to keep looking back at what I have lost or rather, what i have not gain. Is it wrong of me to ask for things that I felt I deserve since I have put in so much effort in? Sometimes, I really do not understand anything anymore.

The feeling of staying home alone is kind of painful at times. Why have I never felt this way before when I was young? As we grow older, I realise that human beings needs companionship. It is hard to stay alone. Maybe this is only applicable to me. I feel so painful to be staying alone. Let alone for the rest of my life. My perspective has changed throughout the years and I still remember telling my sister that I can lived all by myself in future. Sad to say, this is not true and I have been lying to myself.

How I wish Captain L would reply my email soon! I really want to start working. The boredom the feeling of being aimless is really killing me. As I have more time on my hand, my mind just keeps running wild and this is something that I do not wish it to happen. I know I have to Face it, Accept it and Forget it. However, this is really tough. I also know that when I am able to do so, it also means that I am growing stronger.

Met up with my instructors few days back and it was really a good meet up. They make me realise life is not that simple after all, but also how you want it to be. Ok, I do not feel like typing anymore. I shall continue to watch my drama to kill my loneliness.

Life is never fair and I have realised this many years ago. Everyone have to fight for what they want and live life to the fullest. We never know when we will cease to exist. With that, what does it mean to live life to the fullest? Does it mean to do what we always want to do in life? Does it mean to treasure the people who are close to you? Does it mean by doing so, we have to make sacrifices to our decision in life? These are just a thin fine line. How we define living life to the fullest is all base on our assumptions. I guess all we need to do is to be responsible for what we decide what we want to do in life. Also know that we will not have any regrets in our decisions.

Having said so much, I have so many decisions to make for my life now. I do not have much complaint. I guess this is part and parcel of growing up. I must learn to accept things and work with it. I guess I have matured in a way that I am very happy with myself. *thumbs up* Don’t you too?

Anyways, as usual, I spent my day alone, reflecting on what I have done in the past years. Birthdays are always not that enjoyable for me because I think I am a pretty negative person. However, this year I made an exception. I went to pay my respect to my loved ones. Isn’t this different? I didn’t ‘see’ them last year and so I made it a point to visit them when I am back in Singapore. I actually found peace after paying my respect to them. Though I am sad that I wasn’t able to see my paternal grandfather and my dad’s sister. I hope I can see them next year or so. I felt that it is important to visit them.

Somehow, I kept thinking about B. Find it hard to forget him. It’s like he has been haunting me for the past few months. How I wish I have something more to focus on so that I don’t have to keep thinking about him. I guess he came into my life at the wrong time. He came into my life at the time where I needed a companion so much. I haven’t been dating much and the worse thing is that I am ready to settle down. I am at the point where I want to settle down, but I know, such things can’t be rushed. Anyways, I guess we can’t make it as a couple too. He is too selfish. I really do not wish to keep holding on to something that is not possible. I really hope that the feeling will end soon.

On another topic, I am so looking forward to an email that would give me the biggest surprise. Let’s just cross my finger for that to happen and I will reveal it once it happens! *POSITIVITY*

And I cried again…

Yesterday, I just told my sister that I realise that at this point in time, I cannot think of anything else but my career. I felt that I need my career. It seems to me that whatever it is now, career seems to be the most important thing to me now. This sounds contradictory, but I have never wanted to be a career woman. All I wanted is to do something that I like. I know this path is long and hard. I choose it and I have to face all the consequences. This is the toughest time of my life. A crisis where I feel that my peers are all succeeding in every way of their life. Whether is it career or settling down, everyone seems to be happy, but not me. I think I brought this all up onto myself, all the sufferings.

My sister did mention that I cannot spilt my life into segments. Even though I do not have a career, I have to also look for someone to complete my life. But I simply cannot do that. I felt that part of me is so bothered by my career path that I do not even have the energy to think of other things.

I know my friend G is concerned about me, but I really do need space. Please stop calling me every day and ask me about the job interview. I am really tired of all these. If there is, then there will be an opportunity. Sometimes, I really like to be left alone. Why does nobody know that? I too have my own problems and I would like to have my time alone too. It doesn’t mean that I called and cried over the phone talking to you, means that I need to go out every day! I too, need time alone.

Anyways, this is another downturn to my life. I guess there will be a lot more of such phase in my life in future. How will I cope with it? I really don’t know…

Part of me felt sad was because I think I am having a crush on my instructor. Something that should not happen at this point in time. I have to keep telling myself that I am doing what I am doing for myself and not to impress him. Sub- conscientiously, I have been trying to please him. *sigh* This is not a good sigh. Neither is it good for my progress. I just have to keep telling myself.

Part of me wants to have a listening ear and someone to be there for me. I guess at this age, girls tend to think of such things. It is inevitable. As much as I do not wish to, part of me yearn to have someone beside me to lean on. It’s been so hard and pinning this hope on my instructor doesn’t help either. It doesn’t help much when I am low and doesn’t have someone to talk to.

I used to have someone to talk to, but recently, that person mistook me as clinging on to him and waiting for him to find a solution for me. I know I have told him too much to a point that he is sick and tired of it and came telling me that I need to sort my life out myself. Hey, I know what I am doing, all I wanted was a listening ear! I guess that’s the huge difference between a guy and a girl when they have problems.

Oh well, I need to FORCE myself to concentrate on what I am doing now and stop thinking about things that are unnecessary or things that will not or never happen in the future. It is pointless.

Wish me luck then!