I am almost ¾ through the road of fulfilling my dreams. At times, I do question myself time over time if this is really what I want to do. The answer is YES! The sense of achievement obtained from this job is endless. It brings out the ME. However, for the past few weeks, I was pretty down because I was not able to grasp what I am being taught. Call me slow, but yes I am a slow learner. That’s what I will think of myself. Time after time, I need to kick myself at the back to tell myself to work really hard. It is not impossible not to achieve it.

Part of me felt sad was because I think I am having a crush on my instructor. Something that should not happen at this point in time. I have to keep telling myself that I am doing what I am doing for myself and not to impress him. Sub- conscientiously, I have been trying to please him. *sigh* This is not a good sigh. Neither is it good for my progress. I just have to keep telling myself.

Part of me wants to have a listening ear and someone to be there for me. I guess at this age, girls tend to think of such things. It is inevitable. As much as I do not wish to, part of me yearn to have someone beside me to lean on. It’s been so hard and pinning this hope on my instructor doesn’t help either. It doesn’t help much when I am low and doesn’t have someone to talk to.

I used to have someone to talk to, but recently, that person mistook me as clinging on to him and waiting for him to find a solution for me. I know I have told him too much to a point that he is sick and tired of it and came telling me that I need to sort my life out myself. Hey, I know what I am doing, all I wanted was a listening ear! I guess that’s the huge difference between a guy and a girl when they have problems.

Oh well, I need to FORCE myself to concentrate on what I am doing now and stop thinking about things that are unnecessary or things that will not or never happen in the future. It is pointless.

Wish me luck then!

I am now into phase 2 of my new phase of my life. I am now in JDK, waiting to start my flying asap. I am stuck on ground for 1.5 wks! Weather is totally crap and my instructor is totally laid back..sigh…I think I am going to incurr most cost in JDK. Oh well, so much so, just wanted to blog a little since the last time. Its like ages ago. I hope to blog more on my new journey now and let the past be gone. Everything now is new and challenging!

3^rd January 2009 marks the happiest day of my best friend’s life, her marriage to J. I attended and also helped out in her wedding as I have been waiting for years!!! I have been waiting for them to tie the knot. They are such a perfect couple! I love to be around them and also to hang out with them. Both of them are intellectual, smart, witty and etc. Countless of words that I can use to describe them, but all of fabulous meaning!

I was also very happy to see them walking down the ballroom as husband and wife. But at the same time, I was feeling empty too. Everyone wants a soul mate too, but I find it hard to find one. One that truly is able to listen and understands what I want.

Now I have embarked in this lonely journey to achieve my dreams. A dream that I have always talked about and relentlessly, put me into this. It is really tough, but who really understands what I am going true? A path of happiness, stress and sadness in times of me, unable to achieve my desired results that no one can share with me. How I wish that I could, but it just seems to be impossible to find that one.

I think I have given up on fate or rather on love. There simply isn’t a possibility of me, finding that soul mate, one that I will never find. Perhaps, I am to be left all alone in this world, with just little L and L2. But then again, as they grow up, they will have their own lives too. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…

I have long since embarked on my journey of my dreams. I can’t imagine how much I have given up to pursue such an endearing dream of mine. Everyone says that I have brave, but to me, I had felt nothing. I had felt that this is what I want and till today, I have no regrets of anything that I’ve given up. But somehow, something strikes me today, the fear of not having someone to join me in my journey of the rest of my life. How sad can this be?

As much as I hope to have someone, I felt that it is very difficult for me to let anyone in though at this point in time I do have a teeny weenie feeling for a guy. But, the word ‘fear’ is once again there. Before I go on, I have told myself that this is not possible as i guess it is only a platonic friendship. He don’t really know me and vice versa. I think he is just feeling lonely as he has such huge differences with his course mates. He is such a girl guy. I think we’re just plainly meeting up to study and to give each other the support that we both are going through at this point in time.

Enough said, I shall move on to the next thing that I need to let it out. That is my buddy S. I am so disappointed at him! Why has he shown me who he is? Suddenly, I just realised that I do not know who he is anymore. He is so desperate now! To the point where he has asked me for intimacy twice! I felt totally disgusted. How can he ask me such a thing while on the other hand, he is interested in another girl?!?!?! If that is how it is, then go for the girl that he likes and ask her for it. Why me? Why did he choose to change my perception of him over night? This is so wrong of him. What should I do? Am I being too nice and let him step over my head? Or am I just being stupid? I do not know myself anymore…

30^th August 2008 is just another lousy day for me. I went back to Comex to get my free gift but was told that I have to collect it at some other places. *Shucks!* That’s what I told myself.

My buddy called me to hang around Suntec as he wants to try and gather some of my other friends for dinner and drinks. I was with my sister and family and was suppose to hitch a ride from them, but because he called, I stayed around. But, he called back and told me that everyone is not interested and so he called it off. Then I went off to take bus 70 home.

I saw the SJI guy on the same bus as me! Without second thoughts, I quickly called SL but she didn’t pick up my call. Then I remembered that AW knows him too! Then I called her and freaked out over the phone with her. I was praying that he would not spot me as the bus was jammed packed with people from Comex. Crossing my fingers, talking to AW with my head facing down and towards the back of the car, trying to use my hair to cover my face and when I reached my stop, I dashed out of the bus and just kept walking and ran a little to avoid everything! What is wrong with me? Why am I so afraid of him? Why can’t I face him? Is he that scary? I really don’t know what is going through my mind.

That’s the lousiest day of my life in 2008!!!

It’s been quite sometimes since I last blog. Many things had happened in the past months. To keep this post really short, it wasn’t a good time at all. Half of it, I would say.

In April, I took a short trip up to look for the SJI guy. We had a short 1 week get away to the Perhentian Islands and Kota Bahru. It gave me great memories but at the same time, sad ones too. We cannot be together as he has decided that he can’t let his 6 yrs relationship go. So yes, I told myself that I should leave him, but at the same time, I could not really let go of him.

After which, I came back home and continued my normal life. He came back for a short while as his dad was sick and we met up. 1^st met up was on his request and the 2^nd on me. I think he was worried that things might turn out worst so on the 2^nd met up, he told me that he will not see another person behind his girlfriend. And from then on, I know that everything is over, even the friendship.

I started to block him on MSN, and eventually deleted him on msn. How can someone tells me to not stop loving him while he loves someone else? Is that how all guys think? I really don’t understand this at all. For ladies, love can never be shared. I also refused to reply to all his emails and did not even attempt to look at the contents of the emails. They are still kept somewhere in my email.

For that matter, life has not been treating me well. Will there be a day where I can find my real soul mate and prove me that there is still someone out there for me. And when will that be?

I got to know this guy recently and we only chat over msn for a period of time. He is current doing his flying training in Kelantan and is pursuing the same dream as me….TO BE A PILOT! =)

He came back for about 2 weeks and we hang out most of the time after my work or on weekends. It is a mutual thing that we totally enjoyed each other’s company. He tried to move on to the next stage, however, me being scared, rejected the idea and did not gave him the change to do any explanation. There was also a series of misunderstanding created and things kind of got messy. I suppose its all about the right timing. We are basically stuck at a wrong time and place.

He kind of confessed about his feelings indirectly, but I was so negative that I told him to let it go and that I am scared. With all these words, he made a very hasty decision to go back to his ex-gf. *Sigh* How can he make such a decision? I was disappointed at him. I was also shocked that he made that decision. It made me kind of sad for like 2-3 days. But now I’m back to normal.

He is a good guy I can say. Though what he did was not right and yes, I think I am being too nice too. My friends were all saying that he is no good for treating me like that! Oh well, to me, its just like that. I mean there is nothing to fault anyone since I was the one who rejected him and caused him to have so much confusing. Maybe I am being taken advantage of, really, but at the end of the day, I am just one happy girl. Therefore, it doesn’t really matter.

He is sweet. He told me about the things that he likes about me. Never had any guy tell me such things and of cause, I was touched. He told me that he had made that hasty decision with my words of ‘let it go and I’m scared’ running through his mind. He even said that all he wanted was for me to be happy and also that we can be really close friends. Cos deep down his heart, he has a place for me. How true these words are, I really am not sure. But 1 thing I know for sure is that the feeling is mutual and of cause, not forgetting such sweet stuff told to my ears! =) That’s more than enough!

Oh well, I do hope that he will get to do what he wants and yes, I will NOT wait for him as this is just a passing phase. We will just be really good friends, friends that I can share both my happiness, sadness and aviation stuff! It’s just like we’ve known each other for a long time.

What seems to be like a dream has become a stressful and hard decision for me. I really wonder what I should do. Felt discouraging after having spoken to my Dad about my decision. I know it’s hard and that I have not really thought through about the pros and cons. But, it really hurts when I realize that my dreams are halfway shattered.

Like many, getting drunk will not ease my unhappiness. Things have been falling apart the older I grow. Be it relationship, work and etc. This is what people call ‘Life’. Decisions are never easy to make when you grow older.

But, I will need to endure and make a decision that I will not regret in future. Easier said than done. No matter what happens, I shall not look back and think about the other path. Life is about moving on and not procrastinating at things that will never happen or rather, on the decision made by individuals. How well said!

Its time to move on and I should be moving on!!!!! *grrrrr*

Suddenly, I felt very exhausted, exhausted from everything and everyone. I just wanted time alone and some peace. But my friends just kept bugging me. How tiring. Why can’t they just leave me alone when they somehow know that I need a break? When I need it break, it would really mean a total break from everyone and everything. No contacts or whatsoever. Just leave me ALONE!!! 

Sigh, I think its just this mood swing of mine. I just want to be left alone. I wanted to do some evaluation of myself and to think through what I have done in this year. Was everything correct? Is there anything that is not on track? Yes, the one big major thing that I did wrongly was to go into a relationship that I shouldn’t have in the first place. Second, is this life what I want? Is this job what I want for the rest of my life? Third, what are the goals of my life? Where are they? 

To the above questions, everything seems so vague. Am I in a mid life crisis? I do thing so that I am in. I hate myself for not being able to let things go. I wanted that dream job, but somehow, it ain’t coming. I think the major thing that I’ve been avoiding is the fact that I really want to settle down. If I choose it, I may not be able to fulfill my dream of being a pilot. Is this really what I want? To settle down or to have a pilot career? One can’t have both I suppose. 

I’ve given so much in that relationship and somehow it failed me. Am I the one that is wrong right from the start? Is being childish my fault? Is having such a status that I’ve strive so hard my fault? Is my mother being a threat my fault too? Why does he want to put the blame on me and this make me feel so miserable. The feeling of helpless that these things happen to me begins the down side of me. I am falling sick every other day. Wondering is this because I’m over-working myself? Thinking too much and getting myself depressed as the days goes by? 

I was feeling distracted in the early morning. I guess I know why and somehow, I forgot to delete a very important thing from my handphone. At 9am, it rings and at that point in time, I was trying hard to get myself distracted by training. But, it all pull me back to my initial distraction from a simple ring on my handphone. I no longer feel as bad as before. However, I will pull through it. I’m halfway there…