Suddenly, I felt very exhausted, exhausted from everything and everyone. I just wanted time alone and some peace. But my friends just kept bugging me. How tiring. Why can’t they just leave me alone when they somehow know that I need a break? When I need it break, it would really mean a total break from everyone and everything. No contacts or whatsoever. Just leave me ALONE!!!
Sigh, I think its just this mood swing of mine. I just want to be left alone. I wanted to do some evaluation of myself and to think through what I have done in this year. Was everything correct? Is there anything that is not on track? Yes, the one big major thing that I did wrongly was to go into a relationship that I shouldn’t have in the first place. Second, is this life what I want? Is this job what I want for the rest of my life? Third, what are the goals of my life? Where are they?
To the above questions, everything seems so vague. Am I in a mid life crisis? I do thing so that I am in. I hate myself for not being able to let things go. I wanted that dream job, but somehow, it ain’t coming. I think the major thing that I’ve been avoiding is the fact that I really want to settle down. If I choose it, I may not be able to fulfill my dream of being a pilot. Is this really what I want? To settle down or to have a pilot career? One can’t have both I suppose.
I’ve given so much in that relationship and somehow it failed me. Am I the one that is wrong right from the start? Is being childish my fault? Is having such a status that I’ve strive so hard my fault? Is my mother being a threat my fault too? Why does he want to put the blame on me and this make me feel so miserable. The feeling of helpless that these things happen to me begins the down side of me. I am falling sick every other day. Wondering is this because I’m over-working myself? Thinking too much and getting myself depressed as the days goes by?
I am depressed…
